Joke

A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one-day lamenting the fact

that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is

advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed my a*s"

he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls

them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss

program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there

stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19- year-old babe dressed in

nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She

introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The

sign

reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Well without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,

huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After

they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this

company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and

the same thing happens each time.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10

pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to

mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and

subscribes

to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20

pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their

"workout" schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers

it there stands a 22-year-old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of

Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most

beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a

representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can

catch

me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes

him a while to catch her, but when he does it is worth every cramp and

wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days....

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens

each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and,

unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he

thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much

fun!"

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and

to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?"

asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in

years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically

answers it. There stands before him a 200- pound perfect specimen of a man

dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. The sign

reads, "If I catch you, your a*se is mine!"

All was quiet in the pub when the calm was disturbed by the front door slamming open.

Their stood a dual carriageway, it marched to the bar and said. " Give me a free beer or there will be trouble ! I'm as hard as they come, I've got 4 lanes and a central reservation !"

The quaking bar man humbly handed it a free beer and scuttled off to the rear of the bar.

Crash the door flew open and the awesome sight of a motorway strode in.

"Give me a free beer or else, "I've got six lanes a central reservation and several service stations."

The frightened bar man shook as he pulled the pint and timidly handed it to the motorway.

Several long minutes later the door open quietly and the slight figure of a country lane ambled in.

At sight of the small lane, the motorway and the dual carriageway fled to the nearest corner and stood shaking.

"He must be really hard the barman said to the motorway"

"Yes" he replied "He's a cycle path !"